Now I'm wishing I hadn't gotten rid of all the shit I had up here from summer 2008. It was a good & formative time and they were some good, wholesome, formative pieces, which didn't really deserve to be all burned up like that.

I will never get anywhere if I keep on like this. That summer I was writing a new thing every week. Not always very good, but there. Now I'm doing that again, usually terrible, but there. Just because I've got nothing much else to do with the inside of my head, and everything feels like it's been trampled on, and I don't give a flying fuck about schoolwork. Everything was so new and raw back then. I wonder if it will ever be like that again, or if too much bad shit has gone on between then and now for it to be possible anymore.

The weird thing is, I bitch and complain about pretty much every goddamn unpleasant thing that comes along in my life, but I didn't say very much at all about the one thing that actually qualified as legitimate bad shit. Except, it's been there. Pretty often, actually. I guess most people must think I am a selfish, heartless piece of fucking scum because I never said anything about it, or did anything. But for some reason it always felt wrong. I always knew the words would come out wrong. I guess I'll have to let them think that, then. Not that they ever thought particularly well of me, anyway.

I just keep thinking lately of all the shit I've thrown away. Things, people. Why do I always do this? I just get in these moods, and I'm like fuck it. And now I'll never get any of it back. I just fuck things up, and then leave them there. Me, who can't stand ambiguity. That doesn't make very much sense. I don't think I'm a very articulate person. Everything just comes out wrong.

I stayed up all night writing a term paper for my fucking bullshit writing seminar, and I enjoyed it more maybe than anything else I've done all year. Maybe I shouldn't be a bio major, except I think my fate is sealed on that particular path, as long as I stay here. I don't fucking know anymore.

I feel like everything is done with.